REE TALKS: September 2009

chandra

adalah chandra yang pertama kali menemukan saya yang terseok-seok berjalan diantara rongsokan memori-memori kelam masa lalu.
adalah chandra juga yang memungut saya,merubah saya,dan mengenalkan saya dengan kata cinta dan pengertian yang tidak terbatas yang membuat saya menjadi orang yang benar-benar baru.
adalah chandra yang mengajari saya hal-hal yang belum pernah saya mengerti.mulai dari hal memperbaiki diri,sampai hal-hal rumit yang sampai sekarang belum juga saya pahami.
adalah chandra yang membuat saya benar-benar merasa sempurna,disaat orang lain memandang saya dengan sebelah mata.

pernah sekali,sambil mengingat semua itu,saya lantas mengucapkan 'terimakasih' dengan suara lirih,dan chandra hanya membalasnya dengan senyuman hangat,lalu kembali memetikkan gitarnya dan lantas meneruskan bernyanyi.seakan ia tidak peduli, dengan semuanya yang ia beri selama ini.

rasanya,entah kenapa saya sering kali berfikir bahwa ia sudah sangat lama hidup didunia.
dimata saya,dia makhluk yang sangat cerdas dan dia tahu akan segalanya.
dimata saya, dia jelas sempurna.

sakit hati!

lama-lama saya benci dengan diri saya sendiri. dengan jiwa saya yang kekanak-kanakan ini. dengan semuanya.permainan ini benar-benar menguras tenaga.semua ku kerahkan termasuk jiwa dan raga.tapi ada nyatanya? hanya rasa sakit hati yang meraja rela.

rasanya,tidak ada jalan lain selain mati.jiwa ini harus dilepaskan dari tubuh ini, otak ini harus dihisap habis dari kepala ini. agar mereka berhenti untuk berharap balasan.berhenti memutar nomor telepon. berhenti berbicara memohon satu kesempatan lagi.yang ujung-ujungnya hanya ada air mata dan sisa-sisa pengharapan yang terbuang.

tapi dengan apa aku bisa melepas jiwa ini dari tubuh? sial! lagi-lagi cinta telah merasuki semuanya.memperdaya saya !
membuat saya takut untuk mengambil silet memotong urat nadi,membuat saya tak bernyali untuk mengambil pistol dan menembakan ke kepala sendiri,menjadi pengecut ketika melihat segelas racun serangga di depan mata yang siap membakar lidah dan melumpuhkan syaraf-syaraf tubuh ini.

padahal saya benar-benar sudah ingin mati. pergi jauh-jauh dari semua ini.dan siap melepaskan diri dari rasa sakit hati.

lagi-lagi, cinta memperdaya saya untuk yang kesekian kali!

love letter for my bf :)

I fell in love with you
Something I can't take back, nor would I ever want to.
Perfect doesn't even come close to describing you.
If I were to put how you make me feel into words, I would be here typing away for weeks.
I never thought there would be somebody out there like you, fuck babe, nobody can even come close to it.
I've lived life without you, and honestly, I was living, I was so lost, scared, unhappy, it was terrible, and it made me realize how I truly feel about you.
I am nothing without you, I have nothing I will be nothing, except lost and empty.
I will never let you go, ever, I'm completely attached to you, every piece of me.
I was doubting everything, love, happiness, everything, and then I met you, and everything fell into place.
You are my reward for everything I have been through, every time I have been let down and hurt, you make up for.
You have completely erased every bad memory I have ever had, because I'm so caught up in how happy I am to have you.

And happy doesn't even begin to cover it.
I absolutely adore everything about you.
Honestly, there's nothing about you I don't love.
The constant picking on me makes me smile, because I know the quirky things about me you love the most.
The way you make me laugh and smile 24/7 is something that nobody else could ever even attempt to do.
It took me about 10 minutes to fall for you, and holyshitfuck, I'm so glad I did.
You are my life, because we all know that I'm completely uninterested in things that aren't _ _ _ _ _ related.
And another thing, you've inspired so much in me.
I love writing, and when it comes to you, the words just flow endlessly, I never run out of things to say.
You give me a reason to wake up every day and smile like a damn fool.
You are honestly something everybody should be jealous of.
No other girl will ever be as lucky as me, to have somebody so devoted and so in love with them.
Nobody else will ever have what we have, everything is right, everything is real.
I don't ever doubt my future anymore, because I know you will be in it, and that's all I need.
I need MY _ _ _ _ _, you're my oxygen, you're my heart, you're my world, you're my everything.
I love you more than anything baby, nothing will change that and nothing will take me away from you.

I fell in love with you
Something I can't take back, nor would I ever want to.
If I were to put how you make me feel into words, I would be here typing away for weeks. :D

The way you make me laugh and smile 24/7 is something that nobody else could ever even attempt to do.
It took me about 10 minutes to fall for you, and holyshitfuck, I'm so glad I did. <3 <3

You give me a reason to wake up every day and smile like a damn fool.

And another thing, you've inspired so much in me.
I love writing, and when it comes to you, the words just flow endlessly, I never run out of things to say.

and untill now,we've been together for 23 months,but u havent lose any pieces of my feeling for you.
i still love you,as much as when u said u love me and wanted to be my BF :D

HAPPY 23 MONTHS ANYVERSARY,HUN!!!
we're only 1 month away to 2 years. :)

LUST PASSION

he lays her down
he locked her
he kiss her smoothly
kiss her weak body

she lays down and locked
she can feel his lips in her neck
her back

..her hips
..her lips

.. and her breast
thats the best

eveywhere..!

she wet.
she locked and wet.
she like it,he bet.

she cant stand it.
because she feel 'it'
now its time to be a doll.
and let him trunding her like a ball

he start to move to under her hips.
and make her unconscious by his lips
and the doll is wake up now.
because her body is jump up and down

and now she knows
because he let her knows
that this is what is called
"a lust passion"

KAMU

Kalau misal ada orang bertanya,
Apakah yang akan membunuhku?
Akan ku jawab.
WAKTU

Tetapi,kalau misal orang bertanya,
SIAPAkah yang membuatku benar-benar merasa terbunuh?
Jawabannya,
KAMU

Ya,kamu.
kamu membuatku merasa terbunuh karna waktu.
karna kamu,aku mempunyai mimpi yang tidak akan aku alami.
yaitu hidup seribu tahun lagi.

Kamu.ya,kamu!
CUMA kamu...

random. for my bf :p

I've constantly rambled to some people how much and what I feel for you, but I've never been able to find words in my vocabulary or in the dictionary that can fully explain and describe what I feel. There's this thing that happens; its what you do to me, like you manipulate me into feeling this way. Its a physical and emotional feeling and I don't really know what it is. It's not pain; but the absolute opposite. Nobody else makes me feel like that, nothing else can, just you. The only way I can tell you this without confusing myself and therefore definitely confusing you, is to set it out properly so I cant ramble into different parts and then start fumbling with words like I normally do.

My stomach. You know, whatever its called; the 'chamber' where you put your clothes in the washing machine and they spin around (lol)? That's what my stomach does; but its a full load of rainbow coloured clothing. Sometimes it gets tight and compresses until the greatest level of pleasure-stress so it feels as if its going to explode. I get really flustered and my tummy feels warm and often like liquid or soft wool. Thats when I become flimsy and half-conscious like a teddy bear.

My chest. My heart doesn't beat fast when I speak to you, it just stops. I literally can't feel my heartbeat anymore. But I know its there. My collar bones tingle every time we speak and I just think of your fingers + my collar bones = *dies*. Lies; my whole body tingles when we talk. My lungs tighten and expand putting pressure on my ribcage so I feel like my insides will implode. When you say certain things to me, I can feel my heart. It sinks deep into my stomach, beats and then rises and starts growing bigger and warmer until I'm in tears of happiness. Sometimes; when my heart does beat; it pulses so deep in my chest that it shakes my whole body right to my fingertips. "This heart, it beats; beats for only you. My heart is yours."

My whole body. My body, mainly my back is under your control. When we speak I don't go numb; I just lose possession of self control. You could pin me to the floor or send me into spasms. You make my spine tense and I have to restrict myself from curving into a ball and losing myself in a dream of your words and your voice. I become aware of absolutely every sensation throughout my limbs. Whether it's the sheet draped over my leg or my hip thats elevated by a pillow, I can feel it in the most in depth detail thanks to you and your sweetly manipulative words.

The reasons for the way I feel are quite simple. Your voice mesmerizes me. Yes go ahead and hate your own voice; you can think its stupid; but I love it. You could talk forever and I'd listen with a gentle smile on my face. Your voice could put me to sleep and its just so adorably cute and delicate and soft like a red ribbon that constantly runs through my veins because I can never stop replaying your voice in my head. Whenever I think of you or dream of you or what we could do, whenever we speak even for the shortest time, when I talk to you on the phone and hear your lullaby of a voice, when you call me baby or darling, when you say things about me that boost my confidence, when you say things about us, when we talk about what will happen with us when you come, when we talk about you coming here in general. You yourself just make me feel amazing. You've been through so much and you're so wise. You always know what to say and when to say it, you understand things you really shouldn't and not in the negative way. You have such an advance on life, and you make me proud. You're a beautiful person, inside and out even if you don't realise it; and you're so genuine and unlike anything and anyone else...

But mostly; when you say 3 simple words. This applies especially over the phone. You speak 3 words and my heart plays up, my stomach explodes, my chest implodes and my body constricts. Those three words kill me in the best way possible. I could cry, I could laugh, I stop thinking, I stop breathing. Those three words, and my want to hear you say them, drive me insane. The walls fall down, and the world collapses around me and it doesn't even matter. The convulsions and pulsations that vibe through my body when you speak those three, simple words that are so complicated and intertwined... The only thing that ever matters to me when those words are said, is you and I. It echo's in my ears, it's so unique and I've only ever heard it from you. There are many reasons you make me feel the way you do, but mostly; when you say "I love you".

I've been trying to say this and its taken almost all hours when we're apart to write; I could still write on and on. I felt I really needed to get it off my chest so those people can have some peace and quiet now. You have control over everything I feel; No I'm not you; no I don't want to be you; yes I can still control myself, but I'd give in and hand my willpower over to you in an instant. Its pleasurable being moved by you; my moods, my tears, my breathing... You can take it all away; and send it right back again. You have every power I possess and even don't possess over myself. I'd be your puppet; your teddy bear with strings. Lead me in pains direction and it would still be bliss. You have this way of making everything okay, and everything seem completely fine although its the absolute opposite. You should be happy you're the only person on this earth who can do that. So, baby; I finally said it. You could take this the right or the wrong way; we all have different perceptions but just know; that everything I've said is true. Ha, and its all because of you. I just wanted you to know just how much you affect me and just some of the many things you do that affect me.

tata,I love you.

That was 1,100 words exactly; and still not enough to tell you how much I love you.
I could write for years. :p

untukmu yang tak pernah datang

lalu..
aku pun tertatih dalam malam.
dalam rasa kerinduan padamu.
menunggu angin meniupkan nafasmu.
menunggu cinta yang kuyakin kan datang menungguku.

aku tertatih menunggumu.
aku terbakar dalam rindu.
rasa ini telah mengoyak seluruh jiwa ragaku.
menghempas harga diriku jauh-jauh.
dan dengan angkuh memaksaku untuk menikmatinya.
menikmatinya.

ku tunggu kau sampai matahari terbit.
bulan pun menggulung balik selimut malamnya.
bersiap untuk pergi bersama para bintang.
dan aku tetap menunggumu.

seakan jam yang telah berlalu adalah sesingkat hitungan menit.
masih haus hati ini akan cintamu.
masih diam disini menunggumu.
aku sanggup menunggumu bertahun-tahun.
sampai kau datang.

sampai kau datang...
mengambil jiwaku yang telah terkoyak
menyentuh harga diriku yang telah terhempas jauh.
dan mengajaku untuk menikmatinya.

menikmatinya...

lalu waktu pun berlalu.
dan kau tak pernah datang.
tak pernah datang.
seiring dengan rasa ini bercampur benci.
kau tapih rasa ini.
kau mengambil jiwaku yang terkoyak, dan mengoyaknya lagi.
seakan serigala yang lapar,
kau hempasharga diriku ke langit dan kau gigit dengan kuat.lalu kau buang lagi.
dan kau paksa ku menikmatinya.
menikmatinya..

lalu,
aku pun tertatih dalam malam.
masih dalam rasa kerinduan padamu.
sambil bergetar, memungut jiwa,harga diri yang telah tercabik.
dan terhempas jauh..

untukmu yang tak pernah datang.

Jakarta,06-28-2009

trust me!

baby,you know that you're the one for me.
and i love you faithfully
i know you know about this clearly
this is our love,this is our story

but why you're still suspicious about girls out there
i will never leave you,cheat on you i swear.
believe me this world is only made for us.
and im the only one that u should trust.

baby, stop making me feel bad,
trust me im the best thing you ever had.
and the only thing im worried about is giving you too much love.
because youre the one i always thinking of

there's a lot of girls out there
no matter how beautiful and expensive the clothes their wear
but still u're the one that i cant compare
i love you so much i swear!

Jakarta,07.27.2009.16.40.07

my baby

dear my baby,
i hope someday theres someone who wants to love you for the way you're.they dont see ur phisical things.they even dont care if you're blond or brown.or if youre eyes blue or black,ure fat or thin/
they dont see you by them eyes.but by them heart.they treat you right. all they want is to love you,have you and make you happy.
because,thats what ur dad has done to me,my baby.

dear my baby,
i hope someday theres someone who makes you respect your life.who makes you feel blessed for every air that you breath in.makes you adjure to god to live a thousand years more.who change your world to be a beautiful wonderland.no matter how cruel you're true life is.they'll always there.they'll always there making ur reality is better than your dream.
because,thats what ur dad has done to me,my baby.

dear my baby,
i hope someday there's someone who makes you dream about them everyday.who makes you crazy,who makes you whisper their name everytime you go to sleep.makes you find whats the most beautiful spot of being alive.makes you feel like youre the most beautiful person in this world.makes you sit for hours in front of the telephone,just want to hear their voice and sleep well.
and you like the way it feels.
because,thats what ur dad has done to me,my baby.

dear my baby,
i hope someday there's someone who gives you love.a warm love.and thats all he does.they dont see how terible ure,and they dont even wants to hurt you.all they do is just love you,without any selfishness in it.
because,thats what ur dad has done to me,my baby.

dear my baby, there's a lot of things that i worry about you when ure grow up.I'm not sure the world is such a fine place to bringing you.Many of the things that happened sometimes not worth living through.but my pretty little baby.i just have a little hope that someone will treat you right.
because thats how ur dad has treat me.
i hope u find someone who loves you like your dad loves your mom.and make youre life worth living..

love you my pretty little baby.
maybe i'll send this for you later when youre grown up.when you realize that this world is not a good enaugh for you.when you think that ure leak of love and ure weak.
because now,i know, you are already over-loved by me and our beloved daddy. :)

love,
mom

Jakarta, 06-09-2009. 08.04.50

JIKA

jika cinta,

aku pasti akan menunggumu.mendulang lagu-lagu indah ditempat kita pertama kali bertemu,memikirkanmu sepanjang waktu dan selalu duduk ditempat kita biasa bertemu dulu.
aku akan selalu memikirkanmu sepanjang waktu.entah berapa lama aku akan melakukan itu,
mungkin sampai kau datang kembali,kepangkuanku.

jika cinta,

aku pasti tidak akan mau melepasmu pergi,meninggalkanku sendiri disini,dan merasakan rindu yang teramat sangat seperti sekarang ini,aku mungkin akan ikut denganmu pergi.pergi berperang sampai mati.entah kapan kau akan kembali,kekasih ku.mungkin bulan juli atau mungkin esok pagi.
tidak adak yang tahu,kapan engkau akan kembali dan apa yang akan terjadi

jika cinta,

aku bisa menahanmu disini,untuk tidak pergi.dengan segenap hasrat yang aku ingin sampaikan kepadamu,dengan segenap hatiku yang tertambat ditubuhmu.aku yakin aku pasti bisa menahanmu disini,tetap menemaniku hingga pagi.menina bobokan ku sampai kutertidur pulas atau sekedar mengecup bibirku sewaktu sore hari.

jika cinta,

aku ingin kau selalu disini kekasihku,menikmatiku,sekujur tubuhku hanya untukmu.
aku ingin kau selalu disini kekasihku,menyanyikanku lagu yang tak pernah kau dinyanyikan
menceritakanku dongeng yang tak pernah diceritakan sebelumnya
aku ingin kau selalu disini kekasihku,mencintaiku apa adanya,memelukku dalam kehangatan
dan menyelipkan rasa tentram dihatiku.
aku ingin kau selalu disini,kekasihku..

jika cinta,

tak ada yang bisa menandingimu.tak ada yang bisa mengisiku selain daripada kau,kasihku.
harum nafas tubuhmu,tak ada yang menandingimu.
hasrat sayang dan isyarat cinta darimu membuatku merasa menjadi orang paling bahagia didunia ini.
tak ada yang bisa menandingi kau,keindahanmu yang selalu bisa membuatku bisu sesaat.yang membangintkanku atas nama cinta,yang membuatku berfikir,tidak ada yang bisa menandingimu

jika cinta,

tetapi jika kau cinta,kasihku.
kau takan mmbuatku menunggu,meninggalkanku sendiri di tempat biasa kita bertemu.berfikir tentangmu sepanjang waktu.
tetapi jika kau cinta,kekasihku.
kau pasti biarkanku menahanmu. disini dan memulai hidup baru.
kau pasti tak akan melepas genggaman tanganku di kota tua itu kau pasti akan ada mendampingiku selalu.
tetapi jika kau cinta,kasihku.
telah kudengarkan lagu yang tak pernah kau nyanyikan
telah kubayangkan cerita yang tak pernah kau ceritakan
telah kurasakan cinta dan pelukan
tetapi jika kau cinta kasihku,
kau pasti sudah kembali,kepelukanku menentramkan jiwaku,mendengarkan semua lagu yang telah ku dulangkan selama kau pergi.
tetapi kau belum juga kembali,untuk mengisi setengah hatiku yang kau bawa pergi
tetapi kau belum juga kembali,untuk yang sekian kali.
tetapi kau belum juga kembali,kepelukanku dan berkata bahwa kau tidak akan pergi lagi

jika kau cinta,kekasihku,
KAU PASTI AKAN KEMBALI.

Jakarta,04-08-2009. 07:27:03

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