random. for my bf :p

Monday, September 14, 2009

random. for my bf :p

I've constantly rambled to some people how much and what I feel for you, but I've never been able to find words in my vocabulary or in the dictionary that can fully explain and describe what I feel. There's this thing that happens; its what you do to me, like you manipulate me into feeling this way. Its a physical and emotional feeling and I don't really know what it is. It's not pain; but the absolute opposite. Nobody else makes me feel like that, nothing else can, just you. The only way I can tell you this without confusing myself and therefore definitely confusing you, is to set it out properly so I cant ramble into different parts and then start fumbling with words like I normally do.

My stomach. You know, whatever its called; the 'chamber' where you put your clothes in the washing machine and they spin around (lol)? That's what my stomach does; but its a full load of rainbow coloured clothing. Sometimes it gets tight and compresses until the greatest level of pleasure-stress so it feels as if its going to explode. I get really flustered and my tummy feels warm and often like liquid or soft wool. Thats when I become flimsy and half-conscious like a teddy bear.

My chest. My heart doesn't beat fast when I speak to you, it just stops. I literally can't feel my heartbeat anymore. But I know its there. My collar bones tingle every time we speak and I just think of your fingers + my collar bones = *dies*. Lies; my whole body tingles when we talk. My lungs tighten and expand putting pressure on my ribcage so I feel like my insides will implode. When you say certain things to me, I can feel my heart. It sinks deep into my stomach, beats and then rises and starts growing bigger and warmer until I'm in tears of happiness. Sometimes; when my heart does beat; it pulses so deep in my chest that it shakes my whole body right to my fingertips. "This heart, it beats; beats for only you. My heart is yours."

My whole body. My body, mainly my back is under your control. When we speak I don't go numb; I just lose possession of self control. You could pin me to the floor or send me into spasms. You make my spine tense and I have to restrict myself from curving into a ball and losing myself in a dream of your words and your voice. I become aware of absolutely every sensation throughout my limbs. Whether it's the sheet draped over my leg or my hip thats elevated by a pillow, I can feel it in the most in depth detail thanks to you and your sweetly manipulative words.

The reasons for the way I feel are quite simple. Your voice mesmerizes me. Yes go ahead and hate your own voice; you can think its stupid; but I love it. You could talk forever and I'd listen with a gentle smile on my face. Your voice could put me to sleep and its just so adorably cute and delicate and soft like a red ribbon that constantly runs through my veins because I can never stop replaying your voice in my head. Whenever I think of you or dream of you or what we could do, whenever we speak even for the shortest time, when I talk to you on the phone and hear your lullaby of a voice, when you call me baby or darling, when you say things about me that boost my confidence, when you say things about us, when we talk about what will happen with us when you come, when we talk about you coming here in general. You yourself just make me feel amazing. You've been through so much and you're so wise. You always know what to say and when to say it, you understand things you really shouldn't and not in the negative way. You have such an advance on life, and you make me proud. You're a beautiful person, inside and out even if you don't realise it; and you're so genuine and unlike anything and anyone else...

But mostly; when you say 3 simple words. This applies especially over the phone. You speak 3 words and my heart plays up, my stomach explodes, my chest implodes and my body constricts. Those three words kill me in the best way possible. I could cry, I could laugh, I stop thinking, I stop breathing. Those three words, and my want to hear you say them, drive me insane. The walls fall down, and the world collapses around me and it doesn't even matter. The convulsions and pulsations that vibe through my body when you speak those three, simple words that are so complicated and intertwined... The only thing that ever matters to me when those words are said, is you and I. It echo's in my ears, it's so unique and I've only ever heard it from you. There are many reasons you make me feel the way you do, but mostly; when you say "I love you".

I've been trying to say this and its taken almost all hours when we're apart to write; I could still write on and on. I felt I really needed to get it off my chest so those people can have some peace and quiet now. You have control over everything I feel; No I'm not you; no I don't want to be you; yes I can still control myself, but I'd give in and hand my willpower over to you in an instant. Its pleasurable being moved by you; my moods, my tears, my breathing... You can take it all away; and send it right back again. You have every power I possess and even don't possess over myself. I'd be your puppet; your teddy bear with strings. Lead me in pains direction and it would still be bliss. You have this way of making everything okay, and everything seem completely fine although its the absolute opposite. You should be happy you're the only person on this earth who can do that. So, baby; I finally said it. You could take this the right or the wrong way; we all have different perceptions but just know; that everything I've said is true. Ha, and its all because of you. I just wanted you to know just how much you affect me and just some of the many things you do that affect me.


tata,I love you.

That was 1,100 words exactly; and still not enough to tell you how much I love you.
I could write for years. :p